very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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