i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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