I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
