ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
