my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
