he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
