Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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