I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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