I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
