When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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