Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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