I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
