i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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