she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
