dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You have to summon your inner elephant
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
