last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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