Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
