theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
