I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
