I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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