At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
