Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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