I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
