We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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