mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
