hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
