I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
