We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
