I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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