you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
whose ass print is on the piano?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
