I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
