Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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