I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
