The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
