I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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