if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell