apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
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At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie