I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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