Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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