Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
