I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
