Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
