I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
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I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize