I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
