just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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