Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
