She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
