I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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