I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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