i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We talked him into tasing himself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
