captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
