life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I currently don't understand fingers.
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