He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize