never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
