How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
