Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
