I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
