there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
