The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
